YES to gratitude (learning from my fifth grade self)

My hands are freezing as I move the necklaces from the rocks to my dress form to the box that sits on the chair beside me. My fingers are stiff and my breath feels airy almost wheezy in my throat in the way that happens when you aren't wearing enough clothes and are moving very fast and fall seems ready to give in to winter. And then I collide into a memory of my fifth-grade self playing soccer. 

Running, wheezing a bit in the frigid air, trying not to be afraid of the ball. Always on defense. One of the two tallest, most "developed" girls in the class. I'm not the fast one. I'm the nice one. The one who decides team sports might not be for me when a sixth grader on the other team says, "Bitch, get out of my way." At the next pause in the game, I raise my hand to my coach and say, "I'm happy to sit out so someone else can play." And I cheer on the sidelines until my voice is hoarse.

I Open My Heart, new in the shop

I move the jewelry back and forth quickly and think about how I am literally a photographer losing the light like someone in a movie. A real photographer. A real artist. A real business owner making a living creating things and teaching about keeping your heart open to the beauty and the shit.

I focus on phrases like "live it baby girl" and "I am home" and "I open my heart," and I keep thinking about that girl raising her hand to her coach, knowing when to say, "This isn't for me." 

And gratitude arrives. For her wisdom, her ability to set boundaries, her way of recognizing that something wasn't a good fit. She might not have known this was what she was doing, but she took care of herself in this really specific way. She recognized what she was good at and what didn't feel right. And she cheered at every single game.

I'm thinking about her today as I navigate my world over here. I'm thinking about this old story that I've often turned into something funny when people ask me if I played sports in high school. I'm wondering why I feel this need to make myself so small. I'm thinking about how I could reimagine this story and listen to what it has to teach me.

And I'm thinking about how much we focus on what we can't do, what we aren't good at, what we failed at, how we feel not enough.

When really we are miraculous beings finding our way. We are amazing. We are figuring out this crazy, awesome life. And we are stumbling. And we are doing brave things. And we are creating businesses and finding new ways to live our dreams into reality and becoming ninja warriors and opening up our hearts again and again.

And this is what I know: When I look up from my corner, I see so much love. I see so many of us cheering each other on until we are hoarse.

Yes.

A gratitude prompt today: What can your younger self teach you today? What gratitude do you feel for her (or him)? Take out your journal and write down the words that come to you in this moment.

*****

This November, I'm exploring the idea of saying YES to gratitude in all its gorgeous, sometimes confusing, heart-expanding ways. And I'm inviting you to come along on the adventure here on my blog.

Throughout the month, there will be a practice in letting others know I'm grateful for them, a few stories, a collaboration or two, inspiration from others, some giveaways, a special Etsy sale for my newsletter subscribers, and a few other good things. 

You can find all the YES to Gratitude posts right here. 

YES to gratitude

I'll begin by saying how grateful I am that 2200 of you came along and said "Yes to this moment" when we went on a deep dive into being present during Yes, This* earlier this month. The experience of teaching that 10-day course was transformative for me and I want to continue sharing ideas about ways we can say YES in the midst of our beautiful, messy lives. 

This November, I'm exploring the idea of saying YES to gratitude in all its gorgeous, sometimes confusing, heart-expanding ways. And I'm inviting you to come along on the adventure right here on my blog (no need to sign up for anything). There will be a practice in letting others know I'm grateful for them, a few stories, a collaboration or two, inspiration from others, some giveaways, and a few other good things. I won't be blogging about gratitude every day in November, but it will be a theme I visit a few times a week.

Thank you for being here and sharing your stories. I look forward to continuing to say YES together.

*I've received a few emails from people asking about the next time I'll be offering Yes, This or wanting ways to dive deeper into the concepts explored in that course. I will be sharing it again in the future, but until then, consider joining me for my December Water Your Soul course where we'll be exploring ways to stay centered in the midst of the holiday season. And you might want to sign up for my (almost) weekly newsletter all about creative self-care that shares stories of my in the trenches exploration of holding beauty in one hand and the messy in the other and saying YES to all of it. 

yes, this.

I shared the above quote in today's final Yes, This practice. 

Each time I read these words, I feel less alone.

I feel closer to that YES that lives inside me.

I hope you will too.

(The last 10 days have been full of magic and joy. Thank you for coming along!)

***

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what do you need?

This is one of the practices I turn to again and again: Asking myself what I need and then creating enough space to listen to the answer.

Sometimes this space is a few seconds, other times a minute or two.

I don't obsess about the answer or "if it's right." I just listen and learn. So often the answer is about a basic need of rest, connection, nourishment. And using this practice has become a simple daily handhold.

Try it today.

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

And ask yourself: What do you need in this moment?

And then take five more deep breaths and really listen to your answer.

(You might even want to leave your answer in the comments so that you can really claim this truth today.

*****

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being all in...

It started with seeing this Jimmy Fallon video on Facebook. A lip sync-off that is perhaps my most favorite 10 minutes of television ever.

And then there was the dare to record my own from my friend Mccabe. And the decision to download Dolly's 16 Biggest Hits.

But the truth is, it really started with a moment that happened about 25 years ago.

That was the year my school took all the seventh graders on the special middle of the winter overnight trip that involved cross-country skiing + a team-building ropes course experience + talent show.

The first two, skiing and ropes course, were not so much my thing. But lip syncing to "Stop in the Name of Love" with two of my best friends?

YES PLEASE.

We practiced our moves and took turns being Diana Ross and I had the middle stanza, the one that begins, "I've known of your, your secluded nights. I've even seen her, maybe one or twice."

And I was on it.

In that way you are on it when you're 12 and you've been waiting your whole life to show these kids you've known since kindergarten this side of you. And I'd been to theatre camp so I was pretty much still feeling the "oh I've got this" through the butterflies in my stomach that winter evening. (In case you missed it, this is my theatre camp "oh I've got this" self.)

So we did our lip sync routine. And I can still see the room and smell the popcorn and feel that glow of delight in my belly.

My friend's mom filmed it. About a week later this friend said some variation of this to me, "You've got to see the video. You look so serious. Like you are so mad. It's sooooo funny."

I was mortified. I'd been trying on sexy meets pissed that my boyfriend was cheating on me. I understood the lyrics. I'd seen "LA Law." I knew what that song was all about. 

And I was in character. It was FUN. Not serious. I wasn't mad. I'd been full of joy!

I never watched the video. And I really never let those grade school friends see that silly side of me again.

Earlier this week, after Mccabe dared me to make my own video and I practiced "Jolene" about 10 times to try to memorize the one line I kept forgetting, and right before I made the decision to press record, this memory came up. Honestly, I hadn't thought about it in at least 20 years.

And I thought about how my 12-year-old self had really been practicing being "all in" with something she loved to do. And it made me question:

Could I press record and be that "all in" in this 37-year-old body full of curves and a double chin and flappy upper arms? 

Could I let myself admit that I feel comfortable in this body and that being "in character" fits me like an old favorite Notre Dame sweatshirt?

Could I show you (who I might know or might never ever know) this silly, "all in" side of myself? 

Could I really just not care if you didn't get it?

With fear in one hand and bravery in the other, I walked down the hall and changed out of my shapeless tunic + big sweater and put on something that actually showed those curves + added mascara and lipstick to my face and then moved all the clean laundry from the guest bed to our bed.

And I pressed record.

Because here's what I know: Being all in is where I want to live right now.

Next time, I think I want a microphone.

(Join me. Make your own video. I dare you.) 

yes.

Thank you (yes, you) for getting it.

***

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the bravest move

You can trust this truth today.

(Reach out and let someone know you need them.) 

***

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re-entry

Indie Kindred panel . photo by Lori Portka

The last few weeks have felt like re-entry on top of another re-entry or two.

Home from the Your Story Retreat to Jon and Ellie and me home all day every single day together to Portland for WDS to home again.

And it has been so good. And so overwhelming. And so fantastic and inspiring. And so "whoa."

But as I sit here alone in the quiet for the first time in days, this is what I know: My heart feels more open and ready than ever before. I feel more supported and understood than I have in a long time. And this combination is creating a groundedness that is going to serve me and the work I'm doing in the world and my family in a way that feels, well, kind of amazing.

I'm ready to begin to have conversations around some big topics (friendship, collaboration, telling the true stories, mamahood, not really "doing it all," grief, and a few others) and I can't wait to have them with YOU! 

I'm ready to step into the truth that I want to gather with women more for conversation and connection. I want to teach more. I want to travel more. And I want to stand on a stage and talk about how we feel less alone when we are brave enough to show up as ourselves. Yes.

I'm ready to let go of a few of the old stories that just aren't serving me anymore. I see them. I know them. And it is time to put them back into the compost pile to fertilize all that is to come.

Yes.

Oh and Indie Kindred. Wow. I'm so proud of my friend Jen Lee for creating such a gorgeous film. Her first film. And I'm so honored to be in it. Being on stage with such incredible women and talking about the real stuff...a big yes to doing this more.

More on the retreat + a few favorite things from WDS soon! (And check out when Indie Kindred will be showing near you.)