this time...

these full of joy photos are such a contrast to this time last year...

this time last year we were waist deep in please let us get through this. please let her grow, thrive, live.

this time last year we were standing on the edge of knowing open-heart surgery was to come for a baby weighing less than 10 pounds.

this time last year my body was trying to heal in the midst of everything else.

this time last year i stood tall as a mother, as a woman, as a warrior, in ways i never imagined.

this time last year i couldn't remember a night filled with restful sleep.

this time last year i was afraid to admit that parts of my experience giving birth had been traumatic in every sense of that word.

this time last year i couldn't remember what my own laughter sounded like.

this time last year i had just finished the final edits of my book.

this time last year i began a practice of honoring what is real in my life, and i began to see the beauty in that real.ness.

this time last year i found myself blessed to realize i had loved ones and complete strangers around the world praying for our little family.

this time last year i was far far away from what "most people" experience when they bring home their child from the hospital.

this time last year i was shedding all expectations.

this time last year i was realizing what be present meant at its core.

this time last year i was longing for the sea and hoping she would heal me.

this time last year we wondered if her eyes would stay so blue.

this time last year i had never heard her laughter.

this time last year i held onto the poetry of mary oliver in the hopes that it would keep me tethered to truth.

this time last year i stepped out of a few roles i had been playing for far too long.

this time last year i began to think that a heart breaks and mends with each breath thoughout a lifetime.

this time last year i would close my eyes to rest but still see the green line and hear the beeping.

this time last year i could fall asleep in the middle of almost anything.

this time last year i had never been more aware of all that i did not know and all that i could not control.

in this moment, i sink into the beauty that is the loud with living laughter of a little girl taking her first unaided steps as she walks back and forth between her mama and daddy.

in this moment, i sink into the beauty that is a little girl who is so brave and strong and full of joy as she stands tall in simply being 13 months old. 

and in this moment, i begin to rest my tired eyes with a soft sigh because i know that even in the midst of all that pulls on my mind and heart, we are so blessed.