dear universe:

i think you already know that i do the best i can. even when the best i can is not that great, it is still the best i can do. i didn’t rage at you when four loved ones were diagnosed with cancer in one month a two years ago. i didn’t rage at you when i sat at the dining room table staring at the phone after the vet told me traveler had cancer and became the fifth loved one. i didn’t rage at you when, even though we put him through chemo and got into debt and prayed and prayed that he would get better, traveler died less than three months after his diagnosis. i didn’t rage at you when my grandmother got sick and the doctors couldn’t diagnose her. i didn’t rage at you when she died the day before i was supposed to visit her. i didn’t rage at you when my good friend lost her husband who had also been my dear friend. i didn’t rage at you when all this was happening when i had just moved all the way across from the country from my family and i didn’t know anyone and i didn’t have full-time work. i didn’t rage at you when i felt sad, misunderstood, and confused. i didn’t rage at you when things didn’t meet my expectations. i didn’t rage at you when other people hurt my feelings. i didn’t rage at you when i hurt others. i didn’t rage at you when i found myself suddenly sick and scared. i didn’t rage at you when the doctor told me it might be cancer. i didn’t rage at you when i had the icky procedure that scared me. i didn’t rage at you when we couldn’t go and see my family for Thanksgiving because of that procedure. i didn’t rage at you when other people in my life were diagnosed with cancer. i didn’t rage at you when we couldn’t see our family for Christmas because of the snow in Colorado. i didn’t rage at you when both my computers died. i didn’t rage at you when life just generally felt sucky.
nope.

i either raged at me or just felt sad.

over the last few years, especially in the last few months, i am trying to shift my way of looking at things for real this time. i am trying to seek out the good stuff and not be so negative. i know that i am changing and growing into someone i want to be. and i think that you might have taken the time to notice that. but even if you don’t notice, i am going to do it anyway.

but yesterday, yesterday was the last straw as they say. yesterday, i lost my superhero bracelet. the one i have been wearing every single day for a year. the one i don’t take off. ever. not ever. ever. yesterday, i lost it. i have looked everywhere in, around, and inside my car and house. i even drove 25 miles back to the mall where i think i lost it yesterday. i even walked all around the parking lot looking for it and talked to the lost and found and went to Nordstrom and looked in their lost and found.

so universe, here is the deal. if someone needed it more than me. if someone found it and saw it and its beauty and super special powers. okay. i get it. that is great. but still, i am just a little over this “liz will be fine” shit. i am a little over this “liz can handle it” shit. yep.

so if you could show me where it might be, that would be great.
otherwise, let in some light okay.
it is getting dark in here.

sincere regards,
liz