fear.less

our friends' new puppy sydney . february 2009

On Friday evening, Jon and I spent time with some dear friends and their puppy. It was so refreshing to be around that bundle of energy and to watch the curiosity with which he explored and took in the world around him.

I took several photos of him, and although this one might not be the best in the "true" sense of what the best might mean to some, I love how it captures the fearlessness as he jumped up and put his paws on my knees so he could balance while investigating the camera in front of my face. And although his eyes might almost appear sad to some, what you don't see is the smile that I observed as he tried to figure it out what the heck I was doing with that big thing that made funny noises and flashed.

Our dog, Millie, tends to look at me with a "you've got to be kidding, that thing again; I hate that thing" look on her face when I try to take her photo. Most photos of her I have shared are the best one of lots and lots and lots taken trying to get her to look my way. She hates the camera. There is no need to check out what it is as she seems to feel about it the same way she feels about the vacuum. She is clearly pretty overwhelmed by the vacuum, but because being around her person makes her feel the safest, she experiences a major conundrum during any cleaning around here: how to stay right next to the very source of safety that is moving the very thing she fears toward her.

Writing that, I can't help but look up at her in this moment and say, "I totally get you kid."

It is funny how we stick with what isn't working because it feels safe...because it feels like we are not in control, even though all we would have to do to take control is walk out of the room. But we don't because sometimes it seems easier to just do what we know.

During the last few weeks, I have been honest with myself about a few things that haven't been working. Oh, I guess I have been "honest" in the past, but I hadn't done anything about them. However, something shifted. Something shifted through truth and love in my life.

I have removed the blinders that I have been wearing on and off for a while now. Putting them on each morning had become a habit. I would put them on just after I would get up so that I didn't have to really take in how our house was more mess than home or the nest I so wanted it to be. I would put on the blinders so that I could get through another day spent entirely in this house as I work from here and live here.

The shift of realizing that the amount of energy I was spending in self-loathing about the mess and the blinders and the way they both were hindering many creative dreams I have and that Jon and I have together...in realizing this...momentum began to build. I started to be honest with myself in a new way. This new energy has begun to birth several unexpected shifts.

A sense of fearlessness has taken over...a sense of "why wait?" And a sense of deep understanding that I can do more than I ever thought I could do.

Our home is still a bit messy, but in that lived in sort of way. There are still things that need to be done, but no blinders are needed. I feel a new peace inside me. We are in the process of making our home feel like a nest, a retreat for us and anyone who comes to visit. My studio space, the (new) little room, is beautiful and light-filled. Many creative dreams are hatching in this space...one of which I plan to share tomorrow.

Moving into fearlessness...into light...into possibility with more than just words...
I am moving into fearlessnes, light, and possibility with actions, with beliefs, with confidence, with a deep knowledge of my truth.
Yes.
This is where I am today.

Where are you?