realness. (rambles of a sleepy mind)

our days are upside down. what i wear for the day becomes my pajamas as what i wear for the day means yoga pants and a nursing tank. maybe it is that i am wearing my pajamas all day but putting them on in the morning or at noon instead of in the evening. sometimes i snap at jon because my brain seems mushy. not an excuse, just real. then i notice that he looks as tired as i feel and i try not to snap the next time. the burst of energy to create or do something fun comes around 9 PM, when miss ellie decides she has the same burst of energy but hers manifests as a need to cry. one book said that after having the whole day filled with newness (as my brother says, each moment for a newborn is filled with "why? why? why?" which makes me think of the seagulls in finding nemo saying "mine. mine. mine.") the little ones have a need to cry as a simple let down from it all. who knows if that is true as, of course, there are more opinions than there are babies it seems...but i do think about our adult need to sometimes cry just because after a long day filled with stuff and learning and new.ness. yes. i might have that need at any moment lately. i don't think people honor the truth of how shocking it is to have surgery while awake. this is a phrase that has been running through my mind. and to have that surgery while you are awake when you have been awake for 36 hours, when you spent 24 of those in intense labor...well, not many people talk about that. maybe they do but they just don't talk about it to the people who need their wisdom. or so it seems. is that too much information to share in this public place? will the judgement begin when the story is not even known? deep breath. i would love it if the sun would come out again this afternoon. she appeared yesterday afternoon out of no where so we sat outside for dinner with ellie in her bouncy seat and it was really wonderful. i hope for more moments just like that one. maybe today, as the delightful miss viv will be in the house (how lucky i am to have friends who get me and want to spend the night even though a newborn is in the house and might prevent a long night of sleep) and it would be superb if we could eat the berries + whipped cream i have been dreaming about while sitting on quilts outside in the sunny rays of early evening. that would be perfect. trying to decide if i am going to keep sewing today during those bursts of free time or if i want to bring out the paints. am working on a few new designs for the shop inspired by time with miss ellie. funny how even in this sleepy-mind time i have had more new ideas for what i want to create than i had all of last year. we have rearranged some of the house and have the big dining room table in a place where we can actually use it. it can be a table for eating, sewing, grading, painting, and how the list goes on. finally. we are figuring it all out. together. this family thing. we are figuring it out...

and i can't get this song out of my head...have loved it for years (though eleanor was named after someone, not this song) and found the video on youtube and just had to share...(a song that has groovy rhyming with movie AND the word etcetera? what more could a girl want?)

hope things are beautiful in your world...thanks for reading the ramblings of mine...