the kindred project: day 1 (my story)

 

The Kindred Project: 12 Days of Light and Yes is about sharing our stories of light and hope. The moments where we said "yes" to choosing beauty in the midst of it all. The moments where we stood in our own light. The moments where we saw someone else choose hope. The moments where another became our teacher and where we taught ourselves. Read more about the project and share your own stories in this post.

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there is this place inside me where i push myself to see the simple beauty in the midst of it all. where i choose to say yes. where i own this truth: love is all you need. where i choose happiness even when i want to wallow. where i open my heart to a power greater than me and try to listen.

this place is where i choose to stand in the light within me.

over the last year and a half, life has pushed and pulled this little family, my little family, and me in ways jon and i could never have imagined. when our child was only five weeks old, we stood inside the fear that she might die. months later, we sat in a waiting room while a surgeon opened up her chest to heal her. today, i glance up at the clock and don't even realize that i am counting down the hours until her next dose of medication. it is part of my normal, so it just is.

over the last year and a half and in many other moments in my past, life has pushed and pulled me in the ways that it does when you live with your heart open. i have been cracked apart by grief. i have been surprised by betrayal. i have experienced trauma to my body. i have been forgotten. and i have made mistakes. big ones. i have forgotten to be a friend. i have forgotten to say i love you. i have forgotten to say thank you. i have forgotten to say i am sorry...

there have been days when i find myself simply overwhelmed with all of it. and i have stood in front of the mirror and let go of trying to find the smile and given myself the gift of honoring what is real.

and somewhere along the way in the last ten years, life pushed me to see and finally own this truth: i choose. i choose. i choose.

and so i (try) to listen to this place inside me that pushes me to know that to my core: i choose hope. i choose joy. i choose love.

when i began to make this choice, my life opened up. i began to recognize the lights on my path. i found people who see me; friends who love me anyway. i began to notice the teachers in my life. i began to find my way and know that i am not alone. i began to realize i can live my deepest dreams into reality. 

in this moment: i choose to say YES to living inside the beauty and truth in the home that is me.