a blueberry girl

We are soaking up every minute with Miss Ellie Jane while also trying to learn her language and follow that often said to us adage "sleep when the baby sleeps." We are also hoping the sun will come out so we can take her on her first walk around the neighborhood (and maybe even venture to the Sound so she can soak up the senses of time spent at the water). 

Last week, we had a very intimate (just Jon, Ellie, our dear friend Juli, and me) "welcome to this world Eleanor Jane" ceremony.

The ceremony included special prayers and hopes and wishes for Ellie, and each of us read something to her. Jon read Blueberry Girl by Neil Gaiman. You can hear Neil reading it in the video above. It is a favorite book of ours and was the first book we bought when we learned I was pregnant last fall (agreeing that it is a beautiful book for a boy or a girl). I think you too will love it...

(During the ceremony, I read Ellie a just discovered by me poem by David Whyte that I will share later this week.)

Hope the sun is shining in your corner of the world...

welcome to this world sweet ellie jane

Eleanor Jane Lamoreux

"Ellie Jane"

Born June 3, 2010

7 pounds, 1 ounce

20 1/2 inches

Everyone is home and a new chapter has begun...

in this moment.

the thoughts of this moment...

there is a foot firmly planted in my ribs yet again tonight. it feels like it is slowing prying them open. i am trying the exercise ball as my new chair to gently hold her like a hammock and invite her to turn turn turn to a better position. one month from today is her due date and more than likely we will be getting to her meet her (if not before then) around that date. i breathe through words like induce and instead focus on the image of dancing her down into my pelvis. this is something i learned about myself at our incredible birthing prep weekend workshop: i want my labor to be about the dancing. for some reason i was thinking i needed very calming music, but when we were invited to imagine dancing our babies down into our pelvises, i found my groove. i found my hips. yes. i have this image of early labor at home being about this dancing and moving and breathing. time for just me and jon to celebrate the journey we are on together and all that is to come. and of course, i know, oh how i know that i cannot know what things will be like when she decides or when someone else decides it is time for her to arrive. but, no one can stop me from the hoping and the positive energy i am pushing toward that moment when we first look at each other and know that yes, it is really happening. but right now this rib pain is breathtaking, literally, in its intensity. payback i suppose for my doing the same thing to my mother as she stood in front of students and taught thirty-four years ago. tonight, millie sleeps while jon grades and i write a bit and work a bit. it is nice. this little family all together. and even though i might be breathing through a little bit of pain, sighing at the idea of trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in when i head to bed soon, this little foot pushing into my ribs reminds me of this truth: i am so blessed

this is hope; this is love

my mother's hands; a waiting soft place to land, grow

with each movement

you whisper

your teachings

i surround you

with hope

and know

you are love

(early morning sleepy thoughts on this love thursday)

these days...

a couple of images from a little self-portrait session i did in a peek of sun earlier this week

these days i am...

writing . finishing the last chapter and other parts of the book. my editor's endless patience has been quite the gift during these weeks of trying to be creative with writing, photography, working in the studio while doing perhaps the most creative thing i have ever done (grow a human being). i am behind. but i am getting it done. and it feels like these words i am writing on the page are appearing exactly as they need to.

seeing . the elves were here again (in the form of my mom and steve) and we have unearthed more corners of our home so that it feels more like a true home and not a gathering place for stuff. we have more light, more room, and just the push we needed to keep it a bit neater on a day to day basis. my heart feels so much lighter each time jon and i work together to clean up after dinner, do the laundry, and so on...and most importantly, sit at the table together for meals.

gathering . little pieces of this and that to turn a guest room into the room where the new member of our family will live. there is a crib and a happy chandelier and a few bits of pink and purple. in the little room, i have begun gathering some bits to create the prayer flags that will hang above her and welcome her into the rhythms and love of our world.

listening . i have been sitting in the quiet to hear the wisdom within me. a humming meditation and toning in the shower are pushing me to remember my grounded true self. 

adventuring . just finished rereading about magpie's adventures in dreamdark and am ordering the next one. i just love that laini has given us a standing tall in her place in this world heroine that i can't wait for my daughter to meet one day as she turns the pages while on her own reading adventure.

seeking . today, i started reading birthing from within. there have been a few somewhat interesting experiences while having ultrasounds and appointments during this growing a human being time and there is the very slight chance i might have a scheduled c-section. i came close to pitching a tent in the land of uncertainty, especially when i didn't feel like i was being given clear information. but, i am now pushing myself toward being planted in the world of feeling strong in my body, heart, and mind as i see the third trimester of this adventure on the horizon. it is good.

dancing . little breaks to get this body moving have been such a good thing on these grey days. millie, baby bean, and i enjoy michael franti on repeat (dare you to sit still). and really i just can't get enough of joshua radin. 

knowing . a group of women has surrounded me during the last few months with their wisdom. with their words of "i am right here next to you. cry as long as you need to" when i thought a dream was dying. with their pushing me to see the truth when i felt like someone had peeked inside my idea journal and torn out every page. with their gentle answers to my many mama questions. with their loud, real laughter. with their brainstorming. with their reminders. with their truth. with their love. and i sit here knowing this truth, this truth that i am not alone, and my heart fills with this truth and i know i am blessed.

and you? what have you been experiencing these days? i would love to know... 

november 27

me through jon's lens . november 27, 2009

so begins the me being real in this space about the new part of my path that includes the mama journey...

the new normal. this is the phrase i have been using today. i tried to explain it to jenna tonight...how sometimes i forget i am pregnant because the nausea, eat eat eat, oh no nausea, oh no to the bathroom quickly experience has morphed into the new normal.

twenty-one days to make a habit is something i learned from stephen covey many years ago in his habits of highly effective people. well, weeks and weeks of this has morphed into what feels a bit like a habit.

wake up. how do i feel? should i move? of course because i have to go to the bathroom like right now. (this tops my list of things they don't tell you. that the having to go to the bathroom all the time thing isn't a third trimester thing...nope, starts right at the beginning when the baby is the side of a poppyseed [really, get the emails from babycenter.com...this week, it tells us the baby is the size of a medium-sized shrimp...jon and i like the fruit analogies better as a kumwquat seems less vulnerable than a shrimp, don't you think?].)

then, my thoughts turn to "should i eat breakfast?" well, i have to eat something or i will be sick. what can i eat? and then the cycle continues. little meals they say. often. otherwise you will throw up. try to exercise. but if i move suddenly, i might throw up. yoga. yes. how i wish i could. but i cannot even imagine it at this point. time for a preggie pop (thanks dear girl as these really do help). the me of a year ago would not believe i know what something called a preggie pop is (and now you do too. you are welcome). this will end soon they say. hmmm. will it? some women have this the whole time. just wait until week 14. just a few days to go my friends. the magical week 14 will soon be upon me.

i appreciate the recommended book that calls this NVP instead of morning sickness which sounds like a cousin to the vapors. NVP = nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. yep. pretty much covers it. i have been feeling better as i have been taking some midwife-approved things that help. but then the nausea is replaced with pretty intense fatigue. and then a day like today sneaks in and it seems like nothing helps.

goodness i sound dramatic. but it was a really wacky moment this morning when i sat on the floor of the bathroom and jon came in with a glass of water and was rubbing my back and said something like, "thank you for carrying the baby bean" and i looked at him and said, "this morning, i haven't once thought about how i am pregnant." pause pause pause. "this is my new normal. i don't even think about the baby." it is like i jump from symptom to symptom...

this feeling like this is the new normal is an odd journey. not complaining exactly. not upset at anyone (and obviously not upset at the baby bean). certainly understand it is worth it as i cannot wait to meet this little soul in a few months. just painting a picture as this new normal is, at times, a tough way to navigate the world right now. at least for me.

and, it is an interesting thing to try to do everything that needs to be done and play all the roles one is expected to play (the roles i expect myself to play). i am doing a pretty good job of being gentle with myself. but when i receive emails from people wondering where i've been lately, all i can do is try to breathe and just know, my new normal is not their new normal. i can't wear all the hats right now. and that has to be enough.

and i know, and i trust, that it is.